Why just for men?

This is not meant to exclude but an attempt for men to take responsibility for their grief, an act of unburdening ourselves and relieving our families. A lot of men are accustomed to grieving alone, or not at all or in the company of a significant person like a mother or a partner.

Tending to our grief strengthens our capacity to be with all that is often threaded into our grief including anger, shame and our deepest longings but also gratitude, joy, aliveness, and blessing energy (praise). In our experience we have found that all of these emotions are strangely connected to our grief.

To not see our despair and grief as some private pathology "it's our birthright to feel it and live out of it....to let it pour through us for our world" - Joanna Macy

Communal grief tending is a potent way for men to see and be witnessed by each other. The emotional armor men have built up (often out of necessity) has an opportunity to be peeled back if we feel safe enough to do so. We can see grief not as a weakness or something to "get over" but something to have true intimacy with (into me I see). What was once feared and avoided becomes the healing salve, our tears and wild cries, praising all things lost and holy.

Not tending to our grief causes harm to ourselves and those around us in ways that are obvious and also unseen. When grief is unexpressed it hardens and freezes in the body and leaves men feeling stuck, depressed, shut down, disconnected, and at worst, expressed through war and violence.

We practice giving ourselves and each other permission and commit to co-creating a safe and brave space to welcome each other and all parts of us in ritual space.

Testimonial:
“There was a quiet power in the experience. It created space not just to acknowledge grief, but to move through it with intention, presence, and a kind of shared humanity that is rare. What stood out most was how the ritual allowed emotions to surface without resistance—held, witnessed, and given a form that felt both grounding, transformative and safe. I left with a sense that something had shifted—not erased or resolved, but honored. There’s a difference, and it matters. The ritual offered a language for grief that words alone often fail to capture, and for that, I feel genuinely thankful.”
- Vincent Maniaci

June theme: 
Our ritual theme for June centers around Father’s Day. We invite you to extend an invitation to your fathers, grandfathers, and adult sons—whether blood or chosen—to this upcoming ritual if appropriate. The intention is to share these healing experiences with the men in our lives.

Schedule:
Arriving between 3-4pm Friday and staying until 4pm Sunday

Space:
This weekend ritual will be held at a retreat space outside Port Townsend WA. Men will be on their own for overnight accommodations Friday and Saturday nights. There are 3 bedrooms to rent onsite and camping (or small RV) options down the road (thanks to the generosity of a man who is opening up his 3 acre homestead to participants). Additionally, men can camp in vehicles or small RV’s onsite at the retreat space as well). Camping arrangements may include an additional fee.

Reciprocity:
Making this experience accessible to as many men as possible is important to us. We ask all men to make an honest assessment of their access to resources  and to invest at the highest level that is appropriate for you. We have work trade and scholarship options and especially center men of the global majority/BIPOC communities for these. A sliding scale is offered between 350-550$. The base of 350$ covers basic costs, whereas 450 to 550$ will support this work and the long term viability as well as access to men who face financial barriers. 

Accountability:
This year we are committed to giving 5-10% of what we generate at these gatherings to thesonderproject.org We are also seeking advisory council members.

Affinity groups:
There are more and more community healing spaces like this becoming available that align with other identities and affinity groups. If anyone has any questions or concerns about who this gathering is for or how we will cultivate a culture of more belonging, safety, and accessibility for those in attendance, please reach out to Elia at [email protected] or Nico at [email protected]

Lineage:
This work would not be possible without our mentors, elders and teachers, and all the people who have helped along the way. We are deeply grateful for the inspiration from Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé, Joanna Macy, Francis Weller, Martín Prechtel, Laurence Cole, Angeles Arrien, James O'Dea, Gil Fronsdal, Joseph Rael (Beautiful Painted Arrow) and others to numerous to count including our non-human-kin.

Dedication:
Great thanks to the ancestors past, present and future ones. We are committed to growing our awareness of our ancestors’ acts of harm and humanity, and how they echo through our actions and our lives. One way we are learning to repair as men is to dedicate this work in service to wholeness and co-liberation for all.

Land Acknowledgement:
I respectfully acknowledge that I reside within the traditional unceded lands of the Nəxʷsƛ̕áy̕əm̕ (S'Klallam) and Aqokúlo (Chemakum) and hold awareness of the harm done to them, and pray for their continued wellness and sovereignty.