Why just for men?

A lot of men are accustomed to grieving alone, or not at all. This is not meant to exclude but an attempt for men to apprentice the sacred work of grief tending. It is an act of unburdening ourselves and relieving our families and partners and especially the woman in our lives from feeling responsible for doing this emotional work.

Learning to tend to our grief strengthens our capacity to be with all that is often threaded into our grief including anger, shame and our deepest longings but also gratitude, joy, aliveness, blessing energy....what we are calling praise.

To not see our despair and grief as some private pathology "it's our birthright to feel it and live out of it....to let it pour through us for our world" - Joanna Macy

Communal grief tending is a potent way for men to see and be witnessed by each other. The emotional armor men have built up (often out of necessity) has an opportunity to be peeled back when we feel safe enough. We can see grief not as a weakness or something to "get over" but something to have true intimacy with (into me I see). What was once feared and avoided becomes the healing salve, our tears and wild cries, praising all the things, people, places and loved ones lost. Grief is holy ground.

What's at risk? Not tending to our grief causes harm to ourselves and those around us in ways that are obvious and also unseen. When grief is unexpressed it hardens and freezes in the body and leaves men feeling stuck, depressed, shut down, disconnected, and at worst, expressed through war and violence.

We practice giving ourselves and each other permission and commit to co-creating a safe and brave space to welcome each other and all parts of us in ritual space.

Testimonial:
“There was a quiet power in the experience. It created space not just to acknowledge grief, but to move through it with intention, presence, and a kind of shared humanity that is rare. What stood out most was how the ritual allowed emotions to surface without resistance—held, witnessed, and given a form that felt both grounding, transformative and safe. I left with a sense that something had shifted—not erased or resolved, but honored. There’s a difference, and it matters. The ritual offered a language for grief that words alone often fail to capture, and for that, I feel genuinely thankful.”
- Vincent Maniaci

Schedule:
Arriving between 3-4pm Friday and staying until 4pm Sunday

Space:
This weekend ritual will be held at a retreat space outside Port Townsend WA. Men will be on their own for overnight accommodations Friday and Saturday nights. There are 3 bedrooms to rent and camping onsite (or small RV)

Reciprocity:
Making this experience accessible to as many men as possible is important to us. We ask all men to make an honest assessment of their access to resources  and to invest at the highest level that is appropriate for you. We have work trade and scholarship options and especially center men of the global majority/BIPOC communities for these. A sliding scale is offered between 400-600$. The base of 400$ covers basic costs, whereas 500 to 600$ will support this work and the long term viability as well as access to men who face financial barriers. 

Accountability:
This year we are committed to giving 5-10% of what we generate at these gatherings to thesonderproject.org We are also seeking advisory council members.

Lineage:
This work would not be possible without our mentors, elders and teachers, and all the people who have helped along the way. We are deeply grateful for the inspiration from Sobonfu and Malidoma Somé, Joanna Macy, Francis Weller, Martín Prechtel, Laurence Cole, Angeles Arrien, James O'Dea, Gil Fronsdal, Joseph Rael (Beautiful Painted Arrow) and others to numerous to count including our non-human-kin.

Dedication:
Great thanks to the Ancestors past, present and future ones. We are committed to growing our awareness of our ancestors’ acts of harm and humanity, and how they echo through our actions and our lives. One way we are learning to repair as men is to dedicate this work in service to wholeness and co-liberation for all.

Land Acknowledgement:
I respectfully acknowledge that I reside within the traditional unceded lands of the Nəxʷsƛ̕áy̕əm̕ (S'Klallam) and Aqokúlo (Chemakum) and hold awareness of the harm done to them, and pray for their continued wellness and sovereignty.